The day this picture was taken I was ten years old and no that’s not a blunt in my hand. At this age my father was murdered and soon after I began a life of crime, alcoholism, running away, sexual exploitation all kinds of things a kid shouldn’t face. My way of dealing with it all was to start smoking weed at 11 and doing all kinds of crazy things that would maybe get attention. I believed all the things my mother told me about how she should of had an abortion and when I saw her dead body I made sure I had some piss on my finger tips to touch her for the last time.
Yes shit was tough in many ways but I had to learn some serious people skills, jokes and ways to survive Rikers Island. Elmira. Comstock at 17. I made it through and sadly used alcohol and hard drugs for many years. I would have some periods of soberiety and freedom here and there but I’m 44 and served like 12 yrs down.
So why am I telling you all this ? Because over time and having to return to the school of hard knocks over and over I came to realize that life is gift and I better try to make the best of it regardless of what the world is doing. I don’t mean to not care about people or get rich so I can be a total jerk like we have seen so many times. No my real game is to perhaps make amends to my own daughter for all those years I was gone, to be able to continue to watch my beautiful son turn into a man, and my hope is to be able to make amends to the world, society and some special people that were there for me. Yeah I’d like that, I don’t think anyone wants to die a scumbag but life is guaranteed no man and I know that. Just wanted to share a little behind the madness.
Has death effected your thoughts and actions ?
Has someone’s death changed your life ? Thanks
PS the Tom Petty goofy looking kid was a sweetheart Mama’s boy who proudly served in the US NAVY traveled the world,never married, no kids, dead at 34 from cancer, he had two weeks before knowing and DEATH.
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My dad died 1 month before my girlfriend got pregnant (I was 18). It was at the end of my first college semester. I took time off school, completed the classes, but never went back.
I tear up as I write about stuff like that. It’s something that I took really hard for a while and just kind of put away.
I was always pretty close with my dad and the months before he died we had grown farther apart. I always tried to make it better, then he would call me drunk and say mean things. He never did that to me ever… I didn’t know how to handle it. I was always his boy, and for him to treat me that way I was heartbroken. Through that hurt I wanted to hate him.
I watch these dumb shows and these kids get to make up with their father etc (that dumbass teen mom show!) I’ll never get to do that :-/
Thanks for the vent man, your not alone
.-= Matt@Free Samples´s last blog ..El Pollo Loco Printable Coupon =-.
btw I linked to this post
.-= Matt@Free Samples´s last blog ..El Pollo Loco Printable Coupon =-.
Hey bro thank you for the button spot, your always a class act. As for death changing my life, yes when both of my parents died it changed my life.
.-= Extreme John´s last blog ..What Does Blogging Mean to You? =-.
Wow, I didn’t know that you’ve been through these horrible times, John.. glad that you’ve made a come back from it and didn’t end up killing or blaming yourself for it..
Be strong and don’t let it happen to your kids
.-= Michael Aulia´s last blog ..Buy Crayon Physics Deluxe for almost free! =-.
Hey John. Honestly, death has never bothered me that much. I guess I’ve always had an attitude, even as a kid, that I shouldn’t let things that are out of my control bother me too much.
There was a time, a few years ago, when I came to terms with my own mortality. I decided that I would discover what my true religious beliefs and such. Ever since then, it hasn’t come up again.
Some people are dealt worse cards than others in life, and sadly, a lot of people use this as an excuse to basically “give up” on life. You’re still here though, John, and you’re kicking ass on the blogosphere. That counts for a lot right there!
.-= Trey – Swollen Thumb Entertainment´s last blog ..Top 10 Twitter Links of The Week #1 =-.
Death has certainly changed my outlook on life. I lost my youngest daughter when she was only 5 weeks old. I learned to value every day & never miss the chance to tell those you care about just how much you love them.
Here’s to second chances John.
@Rose: Thank You and sorry to hear about your baby
Thanks!
I had no idea how far you had made it, getting through all those tough times. I am impressed and it ran through my mind that I wish I could be as strong.
Death yes it has effected me. My best friend died of cancer when he was 24, I was the only friend left through the last year of his life. When he died his mother told me he wanted to be with me ( a suspicion I had) and we probably would of. I still have a picture of him in my home.
That did effect me, but not as much as other trials. You do sound like me as a kid though, I was not considered the golden child. Thanks for sharing all of this.
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..MMO Social Network Contest =-.
I’ve got tears reading your post bro. It’s impossible to imagine the shit you’ve been through and how incredible it is that you’ve made it. I’ve had a few close friends die along the way…accidents, cancer, but never murder. Thanks for sharing, you are an inspiration.
This is such a sad story. I can’t even imagine losing someone to murder!
Every death affects me. Almost every night I go to bed I think about death and the people I’ve lost and worry about how it’s going to happen to me. It’s not so much me dying that I’m worried about. It’s more about how I’m never going to see my loved ones again.
The logical part of us understands that it’s the natural order of life. Death and taxes, so we’re told. But the emotional part of us quite often can’t deal with the loss.
@Trey, that is a fantastic way of looking at it. My partner is the same. Death just doesn’t bother her. I’m starting to live for the moment and change my habits and opinions on death but even as a very young child I asked my Mum constantly, “Why do we die?”, “Where do we go?”, “What is the reason?” etc. Yeah, I was an annoying kid who liked to know it all. Now I’m an annoying man who thinks he knows it all, but actually knows nothing!
.-= Roy@RROD Fix´s last blog ..RROD Fix =-.
When I was 16, my first real experience of death came in the form of a good friend catching meningitis. She was a surfer and we were told that it was more than likely that she picked it up from ocean bacteria. All of us dealt with it by smoking even more pot and more than a few drinks.
10 years later, my cousin and four friends were killed by their car driver who was smashed on coke and booze. Ploughed the car into a ditch via a tree. I think about him every day and how not living my life to the full is a complete dishonour to his memory.
Unquestionably, life is fragile and I live now with the full weight of my true identity. If another person doesn’t like that, it is not my problem.
I won’t be lying on my death bed thinking about how I should of pandered to more peoples fears and ideas.
Thank you for your story – an inspiration.
.-= Frank@Stop Smoking Weed´s last blog ..Stop Smoking Weed – A Look Back =-.
I think that what you said John is more than true. Death is an aweful thing to live with, especially if it takes good friend or someone you care about. It takes my friend Adam. I don’t know if it changed me, but for sure it affects the way I think about it. You can’t win with it.
I hear you John and I feel your pain. I really do.
After losing 8 very close loved ones in a time frame of 6 months it really changed my entire perspective in life. To say the least all I could do was cry all day long for the longest time.
The fact is that you’re not a quitter. You’ve taken the experiences that you’ve gone through and used them as fuel to move yourself forward. And that’s admirable.
Blessings,
Eren
.-= Eren Mckay´s last blog ..Discover the Power of Allowing Yourself to Cry =-.
My dad passed away at a fairly early age…56…after a life of abusing alcohol, smokes, etc… He was abusive to my mom and was never really there for us kids, but I don’t harbor any bad feelings towards him. He had a serious addition problem that he could never get control of. It’s made me a better man for having to live through that.
.-= Matt@Atlanta Georgia Homes´s last blog ..$8,000 Tax Credit…Time Has Been Extended!! =-.
I’ve been very lucky as far as deaths in the family. I learned two years ago when my Mother died that I’m not emotionally equipped to deal death. It hit me harder than I would have believed. I can’t imagine dealing with it as a kid.
The past is the past and like Extreme John said, you are a class act.
.-= Brian D. Hawkins´s last blog ..RIP 2009 And Kiss My Ass =-.
Sorry, I forgot to mention, not only do we both think Fergie is hot, we’re the same age. Imagine that
.-= Brian D. Hawkins´s last blog ..RIP 2009 And Kiss My Ass =-.
Rather than tell a story about death I’d like to focus on my favorite part of this story. Yeah – it was riveting to hear about your childhood and how brutally raw of you to tell us about your Mom and your prison life. But the part that made me cry is how you talked about your children.
Man, let’s face it having children can change everything!! Seems like it helped you and I love hearing that. Peace!
.-= Ileane´s last blog ..Say Goodbye to Family, Friends and A Good Night’s Sleep! =-.
@Ileane: Thank You
Yes it has.
But now I work at a high end retirement community, so I getting more superficially frustrated by all the people who die. Many end up being friends and then they are gone. As a kid, several of my friends were killed in accidents, but nothing like your situation. Reading what you have here over these past several months, it is obvious you are a survivor. And yes, for those of us with tormented childhoods, the best legacy we have is to make sure we don’t repeat the cycle. It is possible, I have done it, you are doing it. No excuses for our pasts, just responsibilities for our life to come.
.-= Will´s last blog ..Sunday Search of the Week =-.
@Will: Wow went by your site very tight
Nice to see Do follow all over 
Thanks for stopping by
Death completely changes a person’s disposition in life. especially if the person who died is very dear to you. You are not alone.