Life is often strange I can do so well for so long then the streets, stress, the longing for wilder days will catch me totally off guard. I was just totally out of my mind a few days ago. It seems February has always been a jinx month for me.
Years ago when I lived in North Carolina I had my whole life straighten out for 2 1/2 yrs, February comes as my daughter is moving down to where I’m living with my family.I go right off the deep end hard. It took months for me to loose everything but that is just what I did, then ran to Key West.
My daughter’s birthday is March 3rd she will be 17 I have never been there for her since she was four. I ended up being a drug addict and drunk on and off over the years and put that in front of her a million times.
I can only guess that since I know 100% that she is my blood daughter that the hatred I have for myself keeps me from loving her. I do love her but I love myself also or so I say and think, but do I ?
I have to immediately regroup, thank GOD that I didn’t spend all my money those days I was running with the devil to say the least. So I will wired her some money. I got into it with her Mother after we been friends many years. I had to blame someone.
Two years ago in February down in Key West Florida I had once again gained a great measure of success. I was happy so I thought I had everything I needed. In February after along period of soberiety I just went off the deep end once again. I left Key West on her Birthday to head north, made a bunch of crazy decisions, which had nothing to do with reality.
It’s scary when we build our mind up to a decision that WE KNOW will take us back to hell…
When I was downtown I was actually heading home after meeting with a great guy about renting a internet cafe downtown (see pic above ) I met some cool people and made a video and was in a great mood. Little did I know….
I’m just lucky not to be in jail or dead I’ll just say that about the whole experience. Why am I telling you? For me I guess, this is my blog and I’m tired of wondering and worrying about what people will think about what I write.
I have nothing to prove to anyone.. except my children and myself…..Thanks for stopping by sorry to bum you out. I always tried my best to be as honest as possible on this website. After all it’s about a loser, a nobody who kept going and fighting and won in the end… remember ?
In fact with a tear in my eye I feel much better and will be back to kicking ass TODAY 
I may have this other theme running let me know what you think of the design I thought it was pretty damn cool and unique. As far as all the other business connected with me and this website etc. I will be back in the morning to get back on track When we make a mistake or want to quit we can stop and never make it. I have to keep pushing one way or another Life is passing by….
I wanted to key my word to these two young travelers I met heading towards Vallejo California sorry if the quality isn’t the best. Thanks
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: tocco
(55 comments) March 2, 2009 at 11:44 am
My friend…. here is a cyber *hug* for you. Everybody makes mistakes and bad decisions. The key is to pick yourself up and keep on trucking and try to right the wrong. You are fantastic. I think you are a bit hard on yourself sometimes…. Just keep in mind there are many of us here in cyber land that love you and respect you. I am proud to be your friend!
Christina´s last blog post..Why I blog…. for my friend, John.
Twitter: kikolani
(14 comments) March 2, 2009 at 12:01 pm
The fact that you’ve been through those rough times, and you are still kicking ass and keeping your head up shows that you are not a loser, but a fighter.
~ Kristi
Kikolani@Blogging, Poetry, Photography´s last blog post..Fetching Friday – Inspirational Blogging, Resources & More
sometimes you can not right the wrong that you have done.. sometimes you need to THINK before you act.. sometimes getting cyber hugs and telling people everything will be ok.. does not help the person just reinforces bad behavior.whatever happened to being accountable for your actions?
Twitter: lateaserikard
(78 comments) March 2, 2009 at 2:31 pm
You are a wise man to know where you made mistakes and to acknowledge them. Your daughter will forgive you and love you for the man you are…she just needs time to get to know you. Keep being a righteous man, not just any man, but a righteous one, and the love you have for your daughter will make itself known. She will grow to love you, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but she will love you John. Stay strong my brother. Oh, and if I hear you call yourself a loser one more time, I am going to fly down to San Antonio and kick you in your kneecaps!! I mean it, stop with the negativity. You are loved and don’t you ever forget it!
TeasasTips´s last blog post..Have You Seen These Barack Obama Pictures?
I can’t stand to give advice so I won’t even attempt to
but sometimes learning some techniques to shut the mind
off from wandering or over thinking and worrying can be very effective from creating depression and sending you off the deep end.
I noticed my problem some years ago when I couldn’t sleep and kept focusing on past issues in my life that were most trying and difficult.
Later on I ran into a yoga instructor who gave me some valuable tips to slow down an over active mind.
Sometimes we need to be taught how to just let some things go that we cannot change.
You may be having some tough times but hang in there and one thing is certain, I am glad to have met you online, I enjoy your company and friendship.
Jeunelle Foster´s last blog post..Diversity In Black People – Can Black People Have Blue Eyes?
Twitter: jsinkeywest
(526 comments) March 3, 2009 at 2:40 am
@ everyone above
I can definitely live in a world with JUST WOMEN
once again when the chips were down my real friends
step right up if that isn’t the best thing about this
whole blogging thing I don’t know what is ?
Thanks so much
Twitter: deadrooster
(40 comments) March 3, 2009 at 10:15 am
Thanks for writing this, bro. I needed it for inspiration.
DeadRooster´s last blog post..The Scent of a Rooster
Hey John….whenever I start to feel depressed, I think about all the good stuff: my family, my home, and my medicine! If it weren’t for those compassionate voters in 13 states: we’d ALL be classified as drug addicts and criminals.
And what about the latest news from Obama’s AG: no more dispensary raids in states with medical cannabis.
Hang in there, we are just one step closer to full legalization & possible revenue source for the government…LOL